Rollercoasters of the emotional kind

So, you regular readers will have noticed that it's been a little while since my last post. Many reasons for that, which I won't bore you with, just had lots to occupy my little piece of insanity. 

I know that this conversation's been exhausted already by everyone you know, but I'm British so I'll jump on that little bandwagon and say, "WTF has happened with our weather?" I know it's summer, but you gotta admit, it's a little bit freaky. I actually feel like human sweat bucket...what a lovely image for you to carry around. My life mostly consists of sitting on the sofa with the fan pointed straight at me while I crochet quietly, while everyone around me gets a little more concerned at how addicted I am to making these pretty little squares. I might refer to them as squares of happiness, as they seem to be the primary source of joy for me lately. I have progressed now and have managed to make a very wonky but oh so cute basket. Who doesn't need a crazy little basket in their lives to stash everything that doesn't already have a home. 

This week my wonderful friend, KMW, proved her worth in way that only my Mum has had the pleasure of so far in my 29yrs. Yep, she had the pleasure/misfortune of holding my hair back while my body experienced a volatile reaction to some medicine at the hospital. If hadn't felt so poorly, I would've felt quite proud of the range and floor coverage I managed. (If you're switched on and alert you will realise that I'm creating another pretty picture in your mind. Enjoy thinking about that!) So, thank you, KMW, you really are the best and I love you. 

So, events over the past couple of weeks have sent my thoughts into a downward and rather morbid cycle. I don't seem to be able to find an answer for myself so please let me know if you come across an option for me...Now, I am not planning on departing this wonderful little Earth any time soon, in fact I estimate that we have at least 65 years to come up with an answer, so take your time. However, who knows what's round the corner, so I've been thinking about my funeral. I know, I'm a little tapped in the head, but if they don't get it right and I'm forced to haunt them for eternity instead of making my way through the next life, I'm gonna be a bit peed off. So, I've always known that I don't want to be cremated, I don't like burning myself a little bit on the oven, so the thought of being completely engulfed in flames makes my head do crazy little backflips. So then, would I want to be buried, well yes, I don't mind being worm food. But then, where do people get buried? In church yards. Now, firstly, I don't do all that God stuff. I don't want a church service and someone in a robe and dog collar spouting what they believe from the Bible, while I lay in my box thinking "Get this over with." And I don't want a load of flowers either, they're so expensive, then they die and look all sad. 

No, what I would like is an afternoon tea party on the beach (preferably not Hunstanton please, somewhere pretty). I want pink and green bunting, lots of cake and coffee (or tea for you crazies who don't like to smacked in the face with a fresh dose of caffeine) and an ice cream van with Feasts. I'm not gonna be noble and say "Don't cry for me", no way, cry. Cry your little hearts out, but only for that day. After that you can carry on with your lives as if I never existed. Because, (and this is where the fun starts), I will be laying at the bottom of the sea to be fish food after being thrown overboard. Lovely jubbly. 

After that, my merry little soul will be reborn again, because there ain't no way I'll have reached the heights of my spiritual awakening in this life. Nope, if I get to choose, I'd like to be be born as a little monk man in Tibet or a cat. Both have quite nice lives and I will be a happy little mind. 

Is my little plan allowed though? I'm sure there gonna be some law that prevents my afternoon tea party and final swim in the ocean. If so, please fight my corner. 

So, you have probably decided that it's almost time to call those men in white coats to come and pick me up, take me to a nice little padded room where I can slowly rock with only my crazy little thoughts for company. No thanks though, I'm not quite ready for that either. 

I do think that I'm a little bit like Pinocchio though. Just like he had his good conscience and bad one, I think my mind is divided into to little characters, lets call them Edna and Enid for fun. You'll get to see why these two little monkeys play such a massive part in the drama of my thoughts if you keep reading.

Along with my morbid thoughts, I decided it was time to address the issue of my religion. For many years now I've believed that I have no religion. And that made me sad. I mean, look at those people who go to church every Sunday. They're so happy and they have such lovely lives.(Slight touch of stereotyping there!) I wish I could be more like them though. Enid admires these people, she wishes she could have such faith in something that promises eternal life and some really cool guy who turned water to wine and basically was pretty awesome. Edna however, feels that it's all a bit silly. She's the one who shudders at the church door and says "Are you for real, you crazy, crazy man" when a vicar talks. 

Edna is like my voice of reason, she brings me back down to Earth with a thump and slaps me around a bit when I let Enid take the reigns for a while. I like Enid, she's fun and lets me go a bit wild occasionally but I need Edna in my life too, as she keeps me grounded and safe. Alright, so you think I'm a few screws loose, that fine, you might be right and I don't really care. 

So, neither Edna nor Enid actually believe in any of what the CofE/Catholic/Christian stuff has to say but none of us are happy with having no religion. I think it's quite important to have some beliefs to give us hope. 

I set out on a little quest to find what category I feel most happy to fit into. I must say that there's a little slice of each of the main religions that make sense or at least I'd like to believe in. However, my lack of faith in having a "higher power" looking over us means I'm somewhat limited. The one that really struck a chord with me though was Buddhism. Now, I don't know if it's allowed to research religions and decide to sign up to the one that makes sense. I mean, who gets to say what we can and can't do. Like, with Football Teams you tend to just always follow the same team from as far back as you remember, if you switch teams because someone else is doing better, they call you a glory supporter. Is that the same with religion?

I don't know. All I do know is that there is a lot of sense spoken by those Tibetan Monks and the Dalai Lama. So, now what? Am I supposed to meditate under a tree or something? Well, I've never meditated in my life and I doubt there's much chance of me starting to now. Have I got to go somewhere to be accepted into the Buddhist community or attend classes to learn more about it and myself? I really have no idea. I'm happy to carry on with my little life and know that there are other people who have similar beliefs and values to me. 

But, what happens if I have to fill out one of those Equality or Equal Opportunities forms. Am I allowed to tick the box for "Buddhist" or am I a fake, a wannabe, because I don't meditate under trees or wear orange robes. 

These are the things that actually dare to bother my thoughts. 

I'm gonna sign off now, I think I've rambled enough and I've got some more wonky baskets to make. Have a happy day :-)

Things that make me go, grrrrrrrrrr

Hello Cherubs, 

So I thought it's time to be a grump, well not really a grump so much, just gonna tell you about the things that wind me up.

Yes, yes, I know. If you've read what I had to say on Tuesday, I do still stand by what I said. I fully accept that I allow really mundane, everyday tings to wind me up. Why? I dunno, makes life more interesting. My mind would be a boring place to be if I only ever thought about rainbows and butterflies. A little bit of tame anger spices things up a bit.

Right then, my top ten Pet Hates (why do we call them Pet Hates?...it's not like I hate my pets. Answers on a postcard please.)

10) Invasions of my personal space - Now, compared to a lot of people I know, I think I'm quite a tactile person. I like hugs, holding the hubbies hand, a little knee rub to show support etc. What I object to is strangers getting too close to me, like in a queue or whatever. Also, I hate anyone standing behind me or looking over my shoulder. Yep, I can feel my blood pressure increasing steadily. Also, if I'm hot then I'm generally bothered too, so anyone's body heat is unwelcome - just stand back or you'll hear me growl.

9) Spoilers - Why do people like to tell you what they've read or heard happens in next weeks Hollyoaks or that film I haven't seen yet? All those people who read the magazines with spoilers in, why can't you just keep it to yourself. Also, I know they've got to attract an audience, but adverts for the upcoming shows do my head in. In fact, if I just watched the adverts, I wouldn't need to watch the programmes so a lot of time is saved. Hm, nah, then I'd have to get a life and I quite like being a saddo soap addict.

8) Same words / different meanings - I don't even know why I let this get to me. I know it's silly and I accept that we all have different abilities when it comes to the English language - it's a minefield. I don't know what gets to me more, the fact that we have so many words that are the same or similar with different meanings or when people don't get them right. You know the ones; There, Their & They're, To & Too. When people say "I wouldn't of minded" instead of "I wouldn't have minded". This is really shallow of me and I know I might offend some people with this. But, this is my truth.

7) Closed minded people - Yep, people who express an opinion without considering the views of others. If you open your mind to at least respect what others have to say you might just learn something - if not about the subject or yourself then certainly about the person. Some people are so transfixed on their own opinions and believing they're right that they disregard everything but. I believe this is so self-centred and small minded. Please, if you are one of these people, just try seeing things from another angle - you might be surprised.

6) Telling people how to live their lives - I know, we all have opinions on how others live their lives and I'm probably the worst person for having an opinion, but really, how much do we know about them and their situation? Even those we close to have secrets and privacy. We might not always understand why people do things or live the way they do, but that's their choice. I don't know anyone who has a perfect life with a right to comment on anyone elses. I'm gonna try a bit harder to to stick with this myself - feel free to point it out if I fall off the wagon in your company.

5) Shouting in public - Especially at children. In my hometown, going through the town centre, all you seem to hear is Mum's screaming at their children, usually swearing at them and general young people shouting at each other, usually obscene things. Now, I'll not lie to you, my sweet reader, I can turn the air blue with some of the things I say, I'm not against swearing in general, but why feel the need to shout it in public? It's not right when there's children around for them to hear.

4) Piercings - I mean seriously. Not only do I not like the look of them, I just don't see the point. Ear's I can just about understand, unless you have those big gaping holes with silly things poked through, why would you do it? Anything on the face, urgh. I think it looks so cheap and nasty. Body piercings, why? It doesn't look nice, it can get infected and the thought of getting in caught on clothing etc just turns my stomach. Bleugh. Then those random piercings in weird places, like the bit that connects your top lip to your gum - eugh. Don't you get food stuck in it? We saw a girl the other day with a piercing in that bit of skin between your thumb and forefinger - gross!! Another girl had a jewel sticking out of her skin just above her cleavage. What's wrong with these people? Making random holes in your skin that have no need to be there. I also have this strange childhood fear that if there's any holes in your skin, then your skin can unravel and expose all your insides. The rational side of me says that's stupid, but there's still that part of me that thinks "It could happen".

3) Tattoos - Just like with piercings - what is the point? One day your skin will be old and baggy and wrinkled and shrivelled and you'll look daft. I do have levels of dislike too. Little, black tattoos where they can't be seen daily are okay. Large or coloured pictures or patterns - no. It's so permanent, there aren't many things in this life that can't be undone. Why would you want to stain your beautiful skin with ink? I'm sure that there will come a day when you regret it. And then there's the symbols, names, initials, dates etc. So cringey. We're going to love and lose many people throughout our life - we don't need permanent reminders of them when they meant so much. We carry them with us in our hearts and memories - displaying them says to me - "Look, I've lost someone, feel sad for me". I'll probably get a load of hate for saying this. Chill out, it's just my opinion. I think tattoos look cheap, I don't see the point and I think you'll regret it. If you wanna comment, go ahead. If you want to try to change my mind, go ahead, but you need a good argument to do so.

2) Peas - Yes, these little blighters come near to the top of my list. I know it's irrational but they wind me up. They hide under other things on your plate and they roll around your plate and they fall off your fork. I have checked this out with myself and come to the conclusion that it's a control issue - I dunno though, I don't have a problem with other things I can't control. If they're in rice or something that keeps them still, that's fine but just rolling around or floating in gravy is too much to take. My darling, long suffering, husband has even learned to pop my peas in a little ramekin on the side of my plate, bless him. I love that man, muchness. What i don't love however, is when we're out and he either hides a pea or pretends to hide a pea on my plate - it drives me crazy. And he'll do stupid things to wind me up like swizzle his peas all around his plate. Only in public though, to make me look crazy. (Or, even more crazy I should say!)

1) Lies / Liars - I don't know what winds me up more, the actual lie itself, the fact that someone felt the need to be dishonest to me or that they think I'm stupid enough to believe what they say. Especially the silly, petty lie that there's no need for. If you can't be honest, keep quiet. I tend not to respond to blatant lies, just go along with them and think "You idiot!"

So, that's me and my grumblings. I will say again, these are only my opinions and although I believe in what I say, it doesn't make me right. 

I'm sure there are many other things that get to me and I'm sure I'll write about them another day, but for now I'm signing off to do some more crochet before watching Hollyoaks. 

Thanks for reading :-)

What has she got to be depressed about? - Mind

What has she got to be depressed about? - Mind

Taking responsibilty for your mind

Hello there my lovelies, 

Here we go again with another instalment of the inner workings of my mind. 

Rather than being a grump, I'm going to tell you about one of the most enlightening things I have been taught. There's a really powerful message in this, and without wanting to sound all spiritual and airy fairy, I really think that we could all take something from this and use it in our lives...

As with any of my posts, I like to hear what you wonderful people think about it. If you disagree with me, that's cool, it's better to own an opinion of your own than to be a sheep who follows. If you agree, I hope you can use it to make your life a little lighter. 

A few years ago I had the absolute pleasure of being taught by one of the most amazing and inspirational people I have ever come across. As well as teaching us what we had signed up to learn, Counselling For Beginners, she taught us how to get in touch with ourselves, check out our feelings and the amazing power of insight into our own minds. I think we all came away with much more than what we had paid for. 

One of the greatest things she taught me, the one that really sticks out in my mind, is that no one can make you feel anything. Have a good look around your body, is there a big red button? Is there an emotional switch? No? Can't see one can you. That's because there isn't any part of you that can be controlled by another person. Nobody else can even see your mind, so for them to be able to reach into it and affect what happens in there would be nothing short of a miracle. 

Now, I know what I'm referring to is physically impossible. Talking about our physical attributes and looking for an actual button seems a bit silly doesn't it. We know there is nothing there. You're probably thinking, yeah but, some people just pee me off. Or, yeah but what he/she said really upset me. Some people go as far as to say that we are responsible for protecting the feelings of others that we come into contact with. Fine, if that's what you want to believe, go ahead. But please think about what I have to say before making your mind up. 

Going back to the silly, physical side of things. Yes, of course no one can stick their hand into your brain, jumble things around and alter what goes on. So, can they do this metaphorically? (ooh, nice big word for sunny Tuesday) I personally don't believe they can. I truly believe that not one person can alter your feelings, emotions or thoughts without your permission. 

Quite a bold thing to come out with isn't it?

What about when someone says that your hair looks crap? You feel hurt or offended.

What about when you get dumped? You feel hurt, lonely, sad, even depressed.

What about when you hear of the distress of a loved one? You feel bad for them. You might feel angry on their behalf. 

Yes, I'm not denying that these feelings are very real and they may be all consuming for a period of time in your life. However, you allow yourself to feel that way. It might feel as though you cannot help it, you cannot pull yourself out of the emotional black hole, the world is against you and it's never going to get better. 

Actually, you are the only person who can help you. Others might support you in getting the light back in your life, but it's only you who can allow what goes on in your head. 

There are  going to be people who snigger at this and there are going to be people who ask me about all the times I've been down, upset, hurt etc. Well, I am human, I do have these feelings too, but now that I know I'm the only one who controls this, it makes it a hell of a lot easier to deal with. 

So please, next time you feel that someone has pushed your button, look for that button and when you can't find it, remind yourself of who is the ruler of your mind. 

Do you choose to let someone define you? Do you choose to let someone affect your day? 

Whenever life throws you a hurdle that's to high to jump, do you stop until the hurdle's moved? Or, do you find that it's much more fun to limbo under it? 

Are you a victim of your experiences or are you a survivor of your past?

I think that's all I have to say for now. Over to you. Agree or disagree, have an opinion. 

Laters...

General Grumpiness

Here we are, day two already. 

I thought I'd start this blog because I wanted somewhere to vent about the things that just wind me up. Usually I can find lots to "grump" about within a 24hr period, however, the sun is shining and there isn't a lot of grumpiness flowing through me at the moment. 

Let's take it back then, something that irritates me on a regular basis, the general public. Yes, you, me and all those people around us. People in general have an uncanny ability to tick me off. Mostly through being rude or ignorant. Just recently, and hopefully only for a short while, I have been confined to a wheelchair when out in public. 

Now, because of this, I haven't really been out much so a trip to Tesco with my husband, is like an exciting outing for me. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are just plain ignorant. I used to accept this as just a part of how society has gone downhill, now that I'm one of those irritating girls in a wheelchair who can't see or reach anything from the third shelf up, I have taken on a whole new view of people. 

It's so easy to rush through our day without any thought or consideration for others, but when there's someone having difficulty reaching for something, or cannot get herself past an abandoned trolley, is it really that much effort to help?

We'd all like to think that we're decent human beings who wouldn't let another person struggle needlessly, but just check yourself next time your out. Common decency, as with manners and an occasional smile cost nothing yet can make such a difference to someones day. 

Now, a truly massive gripe I have developed since being poorly is the blue badge system. It's ridiculous and it sucks! So basically, I can't walk any further than my kitchen or toilet without being doubled over in pain. I've always been quite independent, so being confined to my house 24/7 just isn't an option. Like I said, 2 or 3 trips to the Supermarket each week makes such a difference. However, to do this I have to rely on the use of a wheelchair. I applied for Disability Living Allowance but was declined as I can make a sandwich and a coffee and I don't pose a risk to myself or others when I go out. Grrrrrrrr, I can feel my vein twitching at that already. You would think that if someone relies on a wheelchair to get around, that it would be easy to get a blue badge so that my husband can park more conveniently to where we're going. NO! Of course, you can't have a blue badge unless you're permanently disabled. 

I find this totally ludicrous. There are so many people out there with temporary mobility problems who cannot get help because they hope to get fixed. Now, surely it wouldn't be too much of an issue to make a "Green" badge for temporary use, that is reviewed every 3 months or something. If you agree, let me hear you shout, "I AGREE". 

So, there's my tame ranting for today. Don't think I've really offended anyone with that...Must try harder for next time ;-)

The journey begins...

Hello World, 

Wow, so it would seem that I have started my own first blog. Now, I'm not gonna lie, I haven't really read many blogs and I'm not normally into this kind of thing, so please bear with me while I get used to this cyber world. 

I do seem to have an ability to offend people with my thoughts, and as this is where I'm going to write my thoughts, you might be offended. Don't take anything I say personally, I don't think there are many truly bad people in the world so just because I don't agree with or like something you do, have done or choose, doesn't mean to say that I won't like you as a person. Saying that, you may not care if I don't like you, and you may not like me. We're all entitled to our opinions and I don't expect everyone to agree with what I say or to gain any friends by doing this. I am very lucky to have enough beautiful people in my life who brighten up my world, so gaining any more is not my goal. 

On the other hand, I don't intend to offend anyone, I accept that my opinions may cause offence, but I see that as your problem, not mine. 

Reading this far, I probably seem like a horrid person. I'm really not. I'm actually quite nice once you get to know me. I don't do lies and I don't break promises. I like to smile and always aim to be polite. I have some very strong beliefs and some beliefs that could do with more affirmation...if that makes any sense, it does in my head. I think I'm a fair person and try not to judge anyone based on other peoples opinions. I also wouldn't judge a person as whole, based on a decision they have made that I don't agree with. I believe that everyone has the right to make their own decisions and mistakes and everyone has the right to agree or disagree with what they see or hear. I also believe though, that just because we may agree or disagree, doesn't make us right. There is no right and wrong for everyone, just what is right and wrong for us as individuals. 

So, you've read this far. Are you interested enough to carry on reading? You might have formed many opinions about me already, you might be reserving judgement for what I might write further along the line. Either way, thanks for getting this far. 

I've given you quite an insight into my true self already. Started off near the deep end of my psyche, let me take you to the shallow end. The bits that everyone has access to, the everyday. 

At the time of writing this I am sitting on the better side of 30, have an amazing husband and two adorable cats. We have our own home that needs plenty of TLC, although we both seem more interested in looking at the work that needs doing, rather than doing it. I do seem to dedicate more of my time to my cats than I do most of the people in my life. I am a bit of a crazy cat lady, but that's how I like it. (In fact, if I get another shot at life, I'd like to come back as a cat with an owner like me. Totally independent and rules the house, fed on demand and sleeps a lot. Ideal!) I am very close to my immediate family, have been lucky with my in-laws and truly have the best friends. Without wanting to sound corny and mushy, I am blessed. (Not blessed in a God/religious way, just lucky and don't take it for granted.)

I've recently had a lot of time on my hands so have taught myself how to crochet using YouTube videos. I know, I know, it's not the "coolest" thing to do but it occupies my mind when I don't want to think about stuff and I'm not that bad at it. Plus, when I'm old (like in 30yrs time or so), I'll be able to make my grandchildren lots of old fashioned, embarrassing clothes. Not everyone can say that. 

Right, that's enough about me...think you know all you need to for now. Look out for my next blog, where I might let my grumpy side out.

Hope you don't feel too sleepy after all that!