What's changed...?

Well, hello there my little cherry blossom!

It's been such a long time...25 months...since my last post. Wow, what a difference 2 years can make. If you'd have asked me where my life would be at, at this point, when I wrote my last post, my prediction could not have been further from the truth!

I've just spent some time reading through some of my previous posts. It honestly feels as though they were written by someone else. Firstly, I can't believe I had so much to say. Secondly, I'm not sure whether I'd forgotten or just put it to the back of my mind, what had been going on.

Let me take you back to April 2014, when I wrote my last post. I had just gotten my new job in insurance, had had surgery six weeks prior and was only just coming to terms with going outside by myself. That job, or rather my colleagues, did more for me and my self-esteem than I could ever thank them enough for. I won't say insurance is the most riveting of subjects, I certainly hadn't ever dreamt of sitting at that desk for a living, but it helped me in so many ways I never knew possible.

Although I was earning less than I had in years, I was the happiest I'd been at work, in forever. That was such a revelation to me. I'd never been one for greed in monetary terms and I've certainly never been ambitious in a career sense, but I'd always thought that to be happy, I needed certain things in my life. Nice clothes, hair done at the salon regularly, going out for nice meals and such. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suddenly living on the breadline and Mr J certainly never had to go without, but I realised that it wasn't in the stuff where the key to our happiness lied.

Being sick for such a long time had given me a new perspective on life and taught me a lot about myself, but I somehow imagined that life would go back to the status quo once I'd started working again. Wrong.

The pleasure found in clocking off at 5pm and not even having to consider work again until 9am the next day, was immeasurable. Not having to battle with your conscience for feeling as though you're selling products with your personal targets far outweighing the needs of your customers - wow! Having colleagues and bosses who encourage you and support you through the thick and thin - incredible.

I suddenly felt invincible. Like I was finally in charge of my own destiny and I could make anything happen. It goes without saying that without the support of Mr J, I fear it may have been a different story - but hey, at this point in life, I felt as though I was wearing a cape with my big girl pants and I was going to conquer the world. Alright, calm down Little Miss Crazy, maybe not conquer the world, but maybe it was time for me to have my "wow" moment.

(Currently fuming that I've just lost half of my ramblings and it's brought me back to this point so I need to try to remember what I'd written, or maybe it's a technological signal that I am just writing nonsense.)

Anyway, I'd watched those around me having their wow moments; degrees, travelling, amazing careers etc - always wondering why it wasn't me. Well, the obvious came up and smacked me in the face (not literally, silly!). I wasn't going to have a wow moment without making it happen. Of course. It had honestly just not occured to me before and suddenly I was found wondering what had stopped me all these years from having my moment. It was me. I had never believed in myself enough to go and get things I really wanted. I'm not clever enough to get the degree. I'm not adventurous enough to go travelling. I'm not brave enough to go for the career I'd love.

However, with my new found confidence and optimism, I decided that I wanted my wow moment to coincide with something to show Mr J my gratitude for, well, for everything - let's face it, he'd been pretty amazing as far as husbands go. I was totally lost on where to start when, as if by magic, an email appeared with an invitation to a wedding...on the other side of the world...

Spring seems to be springing :-)

Hello you wonderful person, 

I have an important announcement - I don't know whether this is a long term thing or only while the sun is shining - but this grumpy girl, doesn't feel so grumpy anymore! Hooray! I truly feel like slowly but surely, the old me is starting to show her face once more and I've even had my hair cut to welcome this new/old girl back into my life :-)

So, what has caused this turnaround? There are a few contributing factors...

1) Physically, I seem to almost healed. Obviously there are days that are better than others, instead of feeling deflated on the cruddy days, I just take it easy and let it pass, looking forward to the next good day. This has had a great knock-on effect to my peace of mind as I'm not worrying all the time now that I'm going to get sick again. I had my last lot of surgery carried out on 13th February and since then I've just been getting better and stronger, thanks to the Docs at PCH.

2) The sun is shining and doesn't that make everything a little bit better?

3) I've been having regular meetings with a Psychological Well-being Practitioner (I call her my mad-lady) and she has helped massively with altering my thinking patterns and building my confidence back up. For anyone suffering with any form of mental health issue, it's so important to get help and be open to change, and it really works :-)

4) I have a new job. I mean how amazing is that? From a girl with no confidence in herself, believing that she's destined to do nothing but sit on the sofa forever more, to applying for various vacancies, to going to a few interviews and then someone believing in me so much that they offer me a job. Each step has been a little harder than the last but forcing myself to lock away the demons and just go for it has paid off. Not only have I now started my job working in Insurance but also offered bank work with an adolescent psychiatric unit too. From unemployed to two jobs in under a month...I must be mad :-)

So, it just goes to show that wherever your mind's at, things can and will turn around. It's hard work and you literally have to stare your fears in the eye, believing that you are stronger than your demons. I know I sound like one of those new-age, clap-trap, sickly "I can do it, you can too" people, but it really is true. It's made easier with great support around you, but ultimately, it's up to you. You can do and be whatever you want. 

There, I can be a happy girly sometimes...maybe next time I'll find something to be grumpy about and go back to my slightly controversial musings. 

Have a great spring :-)

Facing my demons

Hello there again, 

Bet you were starting to think I'd fallen off the face of the Earth, nope, just been keeping busy with my crochet and I've started a new online study course. 

After getting my Diploma in Counselling, I found that I was missing learning and studying, weird eh? Never thought I'd be one to say that. But I've found another course that's the same level as the last one, just in a slightly different subject area. 

Also, I've been battling with anxiety recently too. I ummed and ahhed over whether or not to write about it, as it's quite a difficult thing to talk about and not many people really understand it. If you don't understand it, you might think that I've completely lost the plot, I'm weak, I'm lazy or I don't want to be normal again. I can tell you now, there have been times where I've questioned all this myself, but I can categorically say that none of this is true. I know they say that mental health does not discriminate and can affect anyone, but there was always a part of me that didn't really believe that. Now, I'm not so sure.

Although I've started to understand what exactly is going on, the mechanics of it if you like and I totally get the reasons behind it...I can't quite grasp how I've let it take hold of me. I've always been a confident, outgoing and sociable person so how has this all changed so much. Logically, I can think it through and put reason to it, I can see what I need to do to get out of it but there seems to have developed an irrational side in my brain that likes to take over and control what happens to my body.

So, I'll describe to you what goes on. My anxiety is all focussed around being on my own away from the house. I didn't even realise I had an issue until I went to post a letter. That letter changed everything for me and took over my whole thought process. I put my boots on, got my keys and picked the letter up off the side. As I put my coat on, I started to get really hot. Not just warm because I had an extra layer on, I mean really hot and sweaty. Trying to ignore ignore it, I went to grab the door handle and my hand was shaking, I felt nauseus and my legs turned to jelly. Now, the post box is about 200yards from my house, I can see it from my front garden, so it's not as though I was going for a massive hike. I went to sit down and by the time I'd got to the chair, my vision was completely blurred and I'd started to panic. I honestly thought I was going to pass out or be sick so I sat there a while and decided that it wasn't the best time to post my letter. Taking off my coat and boots, I started to feel a bit better, so made myself a coffee and pondered what had just happened. 

Thinking about it made me realize that that was the first time I'd even attempted to leave the house alone in almost a year. I wondered what was happening to me, whether it was just a coincidence that I'd felt a bit poorly just at that time or whether there was something going on in my unconscious that I didn't know about. Now, been trained as a counsellor, I have a basic understanding about anxiety, panic attacks and mental health issues, and I wonder if having this knowledge is working against me in this situation. If I hadn't studied these things, could I have brushed this first episode off as a coincidence and carried on a normal life? I guess I'll never know. What I do know is, it made me wonder whether the things I'd studied were now happening to me. Of course, being physically ill for the most part of a year, I now didn't want to have to deal with something else on top of that and put my family and friends through more thatn they've already had to deal with. 

Without telling anyone for a while, I tried each day to block out these thoughts, pretend I wasn't noticing the physical symptoms and just go to post this letter. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want anyone worrying about me and I just knew they wouldn't understand. I felt alone and a bit scared. 

Days went by and the same thing was repeating itself, over and over again. It seemed the more I tried to block it out, the worse it became. I'd set myself challenges, like putting rubbish in the wheelie bin outside or walking around the garden, but whenever I tried to go any further, my body would react. I thought I can't go out feeling like this, what if I pass out or am sick in the street? These thoughts manifested into, what if someone see's me and knows I feel like this, what if people think I'm crazy, what if i collapse in the road and a car comes along. Getting more and more irrational, I became more and convinced that I should stay in the house where I was safe. 

Feeling cut-off and getting down about it, I started to open up to people. I thought, I obviously can't get through this on my own, doing what I have been doing, so maybe I should get some help. I think the hardest thing for me, was telling my Dad. He's always saying things like "It's mind over matter" and "Chin up". I just didn't think he'd understand and maybe he didn't really, but it went a lot better than I'd feared. I've now told a few people, very close to me, briefly what's going on, although no one knows the full story. I've seen the doctor and have a referral for some CBT, but it could take weeks or months to get an appointment. 

I spoke to a close friend, who's a bit of an expert in this field and she has helped me no end. Sending me literature, setting me goals and helping me out daily, she's been wonderful. Mostly, she has understood and talked me through a lot of things, taking the time to care in a really productive way has been the best therapy. Thank you 'Dr', you know who you are. 

Writing this is like a therapy, getting it out there and trying to make people see that just because you can't see anything wrong, doesn't mean a person is ok. Everyone's got their own battles going on and we never truly know what lies beneath the surface. I hope that this has helped you to understand a little, that mental health issues are very real and can be very frightening. There are no 'quick-fixes' and you can't just 'get over it'. If you have something going on in your head, don't try to block it out or ignore it. Talk about it, to a friend, to a doctor or to your family.

Thanks for reading this far...I'll write again soon, hopefully with an update. 

Have a fabulous week :-)

Snippets of my thinkings...

Hello Blog-World, 

Well, what a week it's been. Last Monday saw the beginning of my whole new life...I finally had my surgery. After 10 long months of pain and going ever so slightly crazy, I spent almost 4 hours unconscious, with my abdomen at the mercy of a man who has left me in tears every time I've met him. 

Seem to be on the mend now, although it's too early to tell if the surgery was successful in doing what we hoped it would. Only time will tell. Mr J played nurse for the first couple of days and did a grand job, then my ma came to stay for a few nights which was (surprisingly) lovely. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and we have a great relationship, but staying in someones company 24/7 is a whole different ball game. It wouldn't have surprised me if one of us had ended up getting poisoned!

So, today has been the first day, left to my own devices and fending for myself. I have eaten 2 x viscount biscuits, 1 pot noodle and had 3 cups of coffee. Other than fetching those, I haven't dared to move any further than my sofa. What a wimp! My head's telling me to "man-up" while my body is telling me to stay right where I am. I shall listen to my body for a bit as it gives me more grief than my head at the moment.  

I want to share with you what happens in my complex brain after dark. I think that because nothing much happens in my life during the days at the moment, my mind goes into overdrive to brighten up my nights. In fact, I have such a strange and brilliant and sometimes scary nightlife, it makes my real life seem really rather dull. 

Last night I had two dreams that were really quite vivid. Honestly, I don't know where my mind comes up with this stuff, I think I'm destined to be a much more interesting person than I currently am. First one all centred around trains to and from China town, eating dumplings, making friends with some random guy who I've never seen before and going 'home' to a very grey apartment and then random guy walking in with his boyfriend.

Then, I dreamt that my Granddad who died a few years ago, came back to life. In fact claimed that he had never died and I was trying to convince him and myself that he was dead, that I'd seen him in the hospital and the funeral home. I ran next door to fetch my best friend so that she could verify what I was seeing and sure enough, he was there - I had been mistaken about his death and all was well. 

I'm sure there was another one but I can't remember it now. Yep, I can hear those men in white coats revving their engines. 

You might see my dreams becoming a regular feature of my blogs, they seem to take up rather a lot of my thinking time during the day. I'm not one to analyze why's of what goes on while I'm asleep, but I do tend to think a lot the day after about the dreams.

Another thing taking up valuable brain space at the moment is guilty pleasures. We all have them. I think I have rather more than average. You know those little things in life that give you so much pleasure but that you wouldn't exactly broadcast in the street. I do however, feel quite comfortable sharing my little vices with you. Please don't judge me, I didn't ask to find pleasure in these things...

1) Stationary - especially notebooks. Pretty notebooks, the more pages the better and I get quite anxious about using them for the first time, especially if the pages aren't removable.

2) Pot Noodle - I know that nutritionally they're awful and they don't even taste that great, but there's so much comfort to be found in a Chicken & Mushroom Pot of loveliness. 

3) Really cheesy music - Yes, I know, if you had a look through my iPod playlists you'd cancel our friendship immediately. There's nothing quite like belting out a really good Celine Dion or Faith Hill track. Sometimes, when feeling emotional or hormonal or even road ragey, I change the words to fit my particular mood and it's so uplifting. 

4) My biggest one - Sorting my food - I know that some certain people think I'm mad, that's fine, but I do like to eat my food in a particular order. I think it stems from childhood but I'm not getting into that psycho-twaddle. I believe that the vegetables/salad on a plate should be eaten first so that no matter how full up you get, you will always have eaten the good stuff. Then move on to the meat because the potato is the best part, that is saved till last. Also, I don't think that fruit of any kind belongs with savoury items - I mean pineapple on a pizza? What's that about? Wrong. 

So there you go for this instalment. Now you know a little more about mad me, I hope you feel a little more normal. Have a glorious rest of the week and I shall look forward to our next rendevous. 

TTFN :)

Feeling Autumnal

Hello cherub,  

Hope you've been enjoying the wonderful British Summer. Living out in the Fen's it's been far too windy to enjoy the sunshine.

Despite all the negatives in my life at the moment, it's been a busy and quite refreshing couple of weeks since our last update. I was delighted to hear that a member of my family who I don't get to see very often, has been reading all my blog updates and loves them! It's so nice to know that there's someone out there who appreciates my little thoughts and musings, so thank you CH, it means a lot. 

It was my little sisters, big birthday the other day and so, being the big sister, I decided to spoil her with lots of loveliness (just wish she'd shared the Hotel Chocolat!). She's so beautiful and talented, she totally deserves every bit of happiness. Then she came over to see me and we had some chilled sister time which was just perfect. I know I'm a bit biased but she really is the best. 

I've been feeling very grateful lately for the people I have in my life. Having such a tough year, mentally and physically, has really made me realize how many wonderful family members and friends I have, not to mention my amazing husband. I don't know how I'm ever going to repay all the generosity and show my gratitude, it's really quite overwhelming and humbling. I've had my husband, mother-in-law, step-mum and best friend on hand to take me to hospital appointments, never letting me down, always on time and always positively cheering me up. My mum has kept me company everyday, sometimes for hours on the phone so that I don't get lonely and bored. I've had so many well wishers, flowers, cards, messages etc and have heard from people I've not spoken to for years. My poor husband and closest friends having to lug my heavy wheelchair in and out of cars so that I can get out of the house occasionally. Honestly, they all deserve a medal and so much more. However do I tell them all what they mean to me?

I cannot believe that X-factor started up again on Saturday, it must be almost Autumn. I wasn't going to watch, but it's kind of inevitable really. I don't usually get into it until the live finals, after they've weeded out the rubbish. I've not really seen the seasons so much this year and have lost many days to just sitting in my chair, so it's kind of crept up on me. I've finally got an operation date through, so two weeks until I can hopefully start on the road to recovery. Slightly anxious about it all really and many, many things going through my mind, that for once I won't share with you in case you send me off with those men in white coats. 

I've been catching up on documentaries lately, as daytime TV bores me and drives me to distraction. Saw a really interesting programme on North Korea, thanks to my sister. What on Earth is going on over there? The whole country has been brainwashed since birth, just completely indoctrinated and strange. It can't be a nice place to live and I certainly won't be planning any holidays there. It makes you realize just how lucky we are really. Those people have no independence or freewill. Although, they also have no idea what they're missing out on, so don't feel resentment. It's all just a bit weird really. In a strange way, I kind of want to research and know more about it as it intrigues me. I'm going to have a rant about our country in a bit, but it could be much worse. 

Also, been watching that 1940's Benefits Britain and that's an eye opener. There are people who genuinely believe that the world owes them a favour and that they are entitled to get any benefits they can lay their hands on. I do wonder where this mindset came from? Is it that people are getting lazier? Is it our government through the years making it too easy to be unemployed? Is it the EU regulations and all the "human rights" laws that have turned society into lazy layabouts? Don't get me wrong, I understand that there are people who cannot work, cannot take care of themselves and cannot have any quality of life without benefits. I'm not going to sit here and make judgements on individual cases, but I do think there needs to be an aggressive overhaul of the benefits system. 

I think that it's a mixture of society, the government and EU regulations that have led to this and it should be up to all three to put things right. How is it right that hardworking citizens should be taxed heavily on their earnings to pay for the benefits of those who don't work? Where has the pride of our society gone? It's no longer seen as shameful for most to be out of work and queueing up to sign on. 

Human rights? Surely it should be a human right to keep hold of the money we earn? Or, the proportion of our Taxes that goes towards benefits should go into an individual savings pot ready for when we need it ourselves? Not some faceless statistic to buy their flatscreen TV. 

Haven't I been having a rant? Well, what I've said may not be "Right" "PC" or "Proper", but it's my opinion and I'm throwing it out there. You may disagree or be offended, that's your choice. When you're sitting on your own for hours each day, you get to thinking about random things.

I hope you've enjoyed this, I'll step down from my soap box now and grab a coffee. Until next time...TTFN x

Be your own therapist...

Hello you little dollop of loveliness, 

It's been a while again hasn't it? Well, while you've been hanging on the edge of your seat, waiting for your next instalment, I have been doing...um....nothing really. Oh, except a little bit of crochet and a little bit of reading. 

I thought it might be an idea to give you a little pointer in the direction of working your own way through some of lifes bleaker days. I mean seriously, we don't all have time to see a therapist and we don't all want to. So where can we turn for to for guidance when all we need is a little push? 

We all have those days, weeks, even months when our everyday lives take a turn for the dark side. I don't mean to say that we're all clinically depressed or consistently sad, but there comes a time in all our lives that life just seems a little harder than usual. And, this is OK. These little wobbles are just part of the journey we're on. 

But, what if we can learn something from these wobbles? What if we can learn to find a positive amongst the pile of negatives? 

It might take a bit of practice but if you can take the time to actually explore what's really going on inside you and learn how to "check out" your thoughts, you might find that the path you're on isn't as bumpy as you thought. 

Swerve the potholes, it might make your journey longer, but it won't damage your tyres.

So, the easiest lesson I can pass on in the "Buzz Words" game. Yes, it can be treated as a game. These are the buzz words/phrases that I want you to memorize... Should, Ought, Shouldn't, Should've, Must, Mustn't I had better...I'm sure you can think of your own to add in here. 

Every time you say, write or think one of these buzz words/phrases, check out what you're saying and why. Try to think, of the Dr Pepper saying, "What's the worst the can happen?" And I'm talking about the everyday, mundane uses of the words. Of course, there are certain boundaries that we all have to abide by, laws and work policies etc, boundaries can be a good thing and keep us on the straight and narrow. But really, do we need to create more and more boundaries for ourselves so that eventually we're so controlled by them, that we lose who we really are. 

Phrases like "I shouldn't feel like this", "I should have done that", "I shouldn't eat that" or "I should go on a diet" are all to common and only act to make us feel worse about the situation. Who is dictating your life and what is your measuring stick? Does someone else make your decisions or do you make the decisions based on what someone else wants? Do you measure your life based on other peoples or what someone else expects of you? What would truly make you happy?

This is your life, live it your way.

Why should you or shouldn't you? Are you using these words to blame yourself or to point the finger, judge or dictate to someone? I personally don't think we really have a need for these words in our lives. What if we treated these words as the ultimate swear words? Eradicate them from our lives. 

Just thinking about your thoughts and what you say, can have quite a profound effect on you. Really learn to check yourself out. If every time you had a negative thought, you considered it from every angle and find what you can learn from it, you might find that the thought gets smaller and smaller. 

Many people believe that making others happy, is what makes them happy. Fine. But does it really? I believe that we all need to be selfish sometimes. If you are so wrapped up in living for other people, who is going to take care of you? It doesn't hurt anyone for you to be self-indulgent once in a while. Say no, when someone asks you to do something. Going back to a previous blog I wrote, I don't believe that any one of us has the power to make any one else happy or unhappy, it's up to ourselves to decide that what we want. 

How about if today you choose to be happy. Make that decision, right now. That nothing or no-one is going to get in the way of your happiness. Firstly, you'll learn to see things from a new angle. And secondly, happiness can be contagious. If someone asks what you're happy about, just say "Today, I chose to smile". They might not get it at first, but it'll sink in. 

You are alive. And if you have somewhere to live and know that you will eat tonight, then you are already better off than half of the worlds population. There are miracles and blessings all around you, if you look you will see. 

My, haven't I rambled today? Please tell me if I don't make any sense. I tend to just write whatever's in my head, and sometimes that's a messy place to be!

Have a wonderful day and choose happy!!

Rhymes from my mind..

Good morning and welcome to the start of a whole new week, I hope your Monday has started off trouble free and your week continues peacefully.

Something a little bit different for you today, only my very closest friends and family have heard my poetry, but today, I open it up to the world. 

Now I know I'll never be a Burns or a Betjeman but I do enjoy writing a little rhyming verse or two every now and then. This first one probably won't go down as the happiest thing I've ever written, but it meant something to me at the time and poetry, for me, is all about touching the emotions, thoughts or feelings and interpreting it to be something personal and unique to each reader. 

So, with that in mind, I won't tell you my story behind it, I don't want to blur your own experiences with mine. 

Here we go...enjoy...

Where are you now? 

Are you near or far? 

What can you see? 

A bright light or the stars? 

Or is it all black 

and a little bit scary?

 Have you travelled far? 

Are you feeling wary?

I hope that you can't see 

the tears in our eyes, 

or how we crumple 

as we say our goodbyes. 

I hope you have memories 

and know we care, 

all we have are the photos 

of the good times we shared. 

We'll think of you often, 

you'll visit our dreams, 

when we see a white feather, 

we'll know what it means.

Love knows no boundaries, 

I've heard people say,  

and although we can't see you, 

you've not gone away.

We'll all raise a glass, 

say three cheers for you, 

you gave us so much 

it's the least we can do. 

And you will live on 

in our hearts and our minds, 

your soul lasts forever, 

but your body has died. 

Your time came, 

and you had to go, 

just remember we love you 

much more than you know.

So, there you go. My first "published" poem, set free into the world. 

The next one, I hope, is a little happier. You will notice that almost all of my poems take the same format and I like to make them rhyme. I just don't get poetry that doesn't rhyme, maybe because I'm not a literary genius, it just sounds wrong in my head. I'd personally call it a paragraph rather than a poem. 

Maybe one day I'll do a bit of research and try to understand it, but for now I'm happy being naive to true poetry while I write my ramblings.... Here we go then with the next one...

As you're walking down the aisle, 

With your daddy who's so proud, 

And everyone who loves you, 

Is watching from the crowd.

You will be oblivious 

To the love that's in your eyes, 

As all your concentration 

Is on one very special guy. 

He sees in you all that you are 

And all that you can be, 

He's known right from the very start, 

"Yes, she's the one for me!" 

It took some contemplating, 

A few years if you will, 

But as you stand here at the altar, 

All that time's stood still. 

Then your daddy looks into your eyes, 

And hands your hand to his, 

For now it's time to become a wife 

And to make your promises. 

Then quick as a flash and just like that, 

You've become his Mrs Right!

You both turn to the crowd and,

Oh, what a happy sight! 

To see the love that you two share, 

Is a perfect joy beyond compare. 

A love everlasting, a love so strong, 
In each others arms is where you belong. 

So it would seem that I can do happy and sad, aren't I flexible? 

I'm going to sign off now and let you carry on with your day. 

Have a happy week, you wonderful person!