Facing my demons

Hello there again, 

Bet you were starting to think I'd fallen off the face of the Earth, nope, just been keeping busy with my crochet and I've started a new online study course. 

After getting my Diploma in Counselling, I found that I was missing learning and studying, weird eh? Never thought I'd be one to say that. But I've found another course that's the same level as the last one, just in a slightly different subject area. 

Also, I've been battling with anxiety recently too. I ummed and ahhed over whether or not to write about it, as it's quite a difficult thing to talk about and not many people really understand it. If you don't understand it, you might think that I've completely lost the plot, I'm weak, I'm lazy or I don't want to be normal again. I can tell you now, there have been times where I've questioned all this myself, but I can categorically say that none of this is true. I know they say that mental health does not discriminate and can affect anyone, but there was always a part of me that didn't really believe that. Now, I'm not so sure.

Although I've started to understand what exactly is going on, the mechanics of it if you like and I totally get the reasons behind it...I can't quite grasp how I've let it take hold of me. I've always been a confident, outgoing and sociable person so how has this all changed so much. Logically, I can think it through and put reason to it, I can see what I need to do to get out of it but there seems to have developed an irrational side in my brain that likes to take over and control what happens to my body.

So, I'll describe to you what goes on. My anxiety is all focussed around being on my own away from the house. I didn't even realise I had an issue until I went to post a letter. That letter changed everything for me and took over my whole thought process. I put my boots on, got my keys and picked the letter up off the side. As I put my coat on, I started to get really hot. Not just warm because I had an extra layer on, I mean really hot and sweaty. Trying to ignore ignore it, I went to grab the door handle and my hand was shaking, I felt nauseus and my legs turned to jelly. Now, the post box is about 200yards from my house, I can see it from my front garden, so it's not as though I was going for a massive hike. I went to sit down and by the time I'd got to the chair, my vision was completely blurred and I'd started to panic. I honestly thought I was going to pass out or be sick so I sat there a while and decided that it wasn't the best time to post my letter. Taking off my coat and boots, I started to feel a bit better, so made myself a coffee and pondered what had just happened. 

Thinking about it made me realize that that was the first time I'd even attempted to leave the house alone in almost a year. I wondered what was happening to me, whether it was just a coincidence that I'd felt a bit poorly just at that time or whether there was something going on in my unconscious that I didn't know about. Now, been trained as a counsellor, I have a basic understanding about anxiety, panic attacks and mental health issues, and I wonder if having this knowledge is working against me in this situation. If I hadn't studied these things, could I have brushed this first episode off as a coincidence and carried on a normal life? I guess I'll never know. What I do know is, it made me wonder whether the things I'd studied were now happening to me. Of course, being physically ill for the most part of a year, I now didn't want to have to deal with something else on top of that and put my family and friends through more thatn they've already had to deal with. 

Without telling anyone for a while, I tried each day to block out these thoughts, pretend I wasn't noticing the physical symptoms and just go to post this letter. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want anyone worrying about me and I just knew they wouldn't understand. I felt alone and a bit scared. 

Days went by and the same thing was repeating itself, over and over again. It seemed the more I tried to block it out, the worse it became. I'd set myself challenges, like putting rubbish in the wheelie bin outside or walking around the garden, but whenever I tried to go any further, my body would react. I thought I can't go out feeling like this, what if I pass out or am sick in the street? These thoughts manifested into, what if someone see's me and knows I feel like this, what if people think I'm crazy, what if i collapse in the road and a car comes along. Getting more and more irrational, I became more and convinced that I should stay in the house where I was safe. 

Feeling cut-off and getting down about it, I started to open up to people. I thought, I obviously can't get through this on my own, doing what I have been doing, so maybe I should get some help. I think the hardest thing for me, was telling my Dad. He's always saying things like "It's mind over matter" and "Chin up". I just didn't think he'd understand and maybe he didn't really, but it went a lot better than I'd feared. I've now told a few people, very close to me, briefly what's going on, although no one knows the full story. I've seen the doctor and have a referral for some CBT, but it could take weeks or months to get an appointment. 

I spoke to a close friend, who's a bit of an expert in this field and she has helped me no end. Sending me literature, setting me goals and helping me out daily, she's been wonderful. Mostly, she has understood and talked me through a lot of things, taking the time to care in a really productive way has been the best therapy. Thank you 'Dr', you know who you are. 

Writing this is like a therapy, getting it out there and trying to make people see that just because you can't see anything wrong, doesn't mean a person is ok. Everyone's got their own battles going on and we never truly know what lies beneath the surface. I hope that this has helped you to understand a little, that mental health issues are very real and can be very frightening. There are no 'quick-fixes' and you can't just 'get over it'. If you have something going on in your head, don't try to block it out or ignore it. Talk about it, to a friend, to a doctor or to your family.

Thanks for reading this far...I'll write again soon, hopefully with an update. 

Have a fabulous week :-)

Snippets of my thinkings...

Hello Blog-World, 

Well, what a week it's been. Last Monday saw the beginning of my whole new life...I finally had my surgery. After 10 long months of pain and going ever so slightly crazy, I spent almost 4 hours unconscious, with my abdomen at the mercy of a man who has left me in tears every time I've met him. 

Seem to be on the mend now, although it's too early to tell if the surgery was successful in doing what we hoped it would. Only time will tell. Mr J played nurse for the first couple of days and did a grand job, then my ma came to stay for a few nights which was (surprisingly) lovely. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and we have a great relationship, but staying in someones company 24/7 is a whole different ball game. It wouldn't have surprised me if one of us had ended up getting poisoned!

So, today has been the first day, left to my own devices and fending for myself. I have eaten 2 x viscount biscuits, 1 pot noodle and had 3 cups of coffee. Other than fetching those, I haven't dared to move any further than my sofa. What a wimp! My head's telling me to "man-up" while my body is telling me to stay right where I am. I shall listen to my body for a bit as it gives me more grief than my head at the moment.  

I want to share with you what happens in my complex brain after dark. I think that because nothing much happens in my life during the days at the moment, my mind goes into overdrive to brighten up my nights. In fact, I have such a strange and brilliant and sometimes scary nightlife, it makes my real life seem really rather dull. 

Last night I had two dreams that were really quite vivid. Honestly, I don't know where my mind comes up with this stuff, I think I'm destined to be a much more interesting person than I currently am. First one all centred around trains to and from China town, eating dumplings, making friends with some random guy who I've never seen before and going 'home' to a very grey apartment and then random guy walking in with his boyfriend.

Then, I dreamt that my Granddad who died a few years ago, came back to life. In fact claimed that he had never died and I was trying to convince him and myself that he was dead, that I'd seen him in the hospital and the funeral home. I ran next door to fetch my best friend so that she could verify what I was seeing and sure enough, he was there - I had been mistaken about his death and all was well. 

I'm sure there was another one but I can't remember it now. Yep, I can hear those men in white coats revving their engines. 

You might see my dreams becoming a regular feature of my blogs, they seem to take up rather a lot of my thinking time during the day. I'm not one to analyze why's of what goes on while I'm asleep, but I do tend to think a lot the day after about the dreams.

Another thing taking up valuable brain space at the moment is guilty pleasures. We all have them. I think I have rather more than average. You know those little things in life that give you so much pleasure but that you wouldn't exactly broadcast in the street. I do however, feel quite comfortable sharing my little vices with you. Please don't judge me, I didn't ask to find pleasure in these things...

1) Stationary - especially notebooks. Pretty notebooks, the more pages the better and I get quite anxious about using them for the first time, especially if the pages aren't removable.

2) Pot Noodle - I know that nutritionally they're awful and they don't even taste that great, but there's so much comfort to be found in a Chicken & Mushroom Pot of loveliness. 

3) Really cheesy music - Yes, I know, if you had a look through my iPod playlists you'd cancel our friendship immediately. There's nothing quite like belting out a really good Celine Dion or Faith Hill track. Sometimes, when feeling emotional or hormonal or even road ragey, I change the words to fit my particular mood and it's so uplifting. 

4) My biggest one - Sorting my food - I know that some certain people think I'm mad, that's fine, but I do like to eat my food in a particular order. I think it stems from childhood but I'm not getting into that psycho-twaddle. I believe that the vegetables/salad on a plate should be eaten first so that no matter how full up you get, you will always have eaten the good stuff. Then move on to the meat because the potato is the best part, that is saved till last. Also, I don't think that fruit of any kind belongs with savoury items - I mean pineapple on a pizza? What's that about? Wrong. 

So there you go for this instalment. Now you know a little more about mad me, I hope you feel a little more normal. Have a glorious rest of the week and I shall look forward to our next rendevous. 

TTFN :)

Feeling Autumnal

Hello cherub,  

Hope you've been enjoying the wonderful British Summer. Living out in the Fen's it's been far too windy to enjoy the sunshine.

Despite all the negatives in my life at the moment, it's been a busy and quite refreshing couple of weeks since our last update. I was delighted to hear that a member of my family who I don't get to see very often, has been reading all my blog updates and loves them! It's so nice to know that there's someone out there who appreciates my little thoughts and musings, so thank you CH, it means a lot. 

It was my little sisters, big birthday the other day and so, being the big sister, I decided to spoil her with lots of loveliness (just wish she'd shared the Hotel Chocolat!). She's so beautiful and talented, she totally deserves every bit of happiness. Then she came over to see me and we had some chilled sister time which was just perfect. I know I'm a bit biased but she really is the best. 

I've been feeling very grateful lately for the people I have in my life. Having such a tough year, mentally and physically, has really made me realize how many wonderful family members and friends I have, not to mention my amazing husband. I don't know how I'm ever going to repay all the generosity and show my gratitude, it's really quite overwhelming and humbling. I've had my husband, mother-in-law, step-mum and best friend on hand to take me to hospital appointments, never letting me down, always on time and always positively cheering me up. My mum has kept me company everyday, sometimes for hours on the phone so that I don't get lonely and bored. I've had so many well wishers, flowers, cards, messages etc and have heard from people I've not spoken to for years. My poor husband and closest friends having to lug my heavy wheelchair in and out of cars so that I can get out of the house occasionally. Honestly, they all deserve a medal and so much more. However do I tell them all what they mean to me?

I cannot believe that X-factor started up again on Saturday, it must be almost Autumn. I wasn't going to watch, but it's kind of inevitable really. I don't usually get into it until the live finals, after they've weeded out the rubbish. I've not really seen the seasons so much this year and have lost many days to just sitting in my chair, so it's kind of crept up on me. I've finally got an operation date through, so two weeks until I can hopefully start on the road to recovery. Slightly anxious about it all really and many, many things going through my mind, that for once I won't share with you in case you send me off with those men in white coats. 

I've been catching up on documentaries lately, as daytime TV bores me and drives me to distraction. Saw a really interesting programme on North Korea, thanks to my sister. What on Earth is going on over there? The whole country has been brainwashed since birth, just completely indoctrinated and strange. It can't be a nice place to live and I certainly won't be planning any holidays there. It makes you realize just how lucky we are really. Those people have no independence or freewill. Although, they also have no idea what they're missing out on, so don't feel resentment. It's all just a bit weird really. In a strange way, I kind of want to research and know more about it as it intrigues me. I'm going to have a rant about our country in a bit, but it could be much worse. 

Also, been watching that 1940's Benefits Britain and that's an eye opener. There are people who genuinely believe that the world owes them a favour and that they are entitled to get any benefits they can lay their hands on. I do wonder where this mindset came from? Is it that people are getting lazier? Is it our government through the years making it too easy to be unemployed? Is it the EU regulations and all the "human rights" laws that have turned society into lazy layabouts? Don't get me wrong, I understand that there are people who cannot work, cannot take care of themselves and cannot have any quality of life without benefits. I'm not going to sit here and make judgements on individual cases, but I do think there needs to be an aggressive overhaul of the benefits system. 

I think that it's a mixture of society, the government and EU regulations that have led to this and it should be up to all three to put things right. How is it right that hardworking citizens should be taxed heavily on their earnings to pay for the benefits of those who don't work? Where has the pride of our society gone? It's no longer seen as shameful for most to be out of work and queueing up to sign on. 

Human rights? Surely it should be a human right to keep hold of the money we earn? Or, the proportion of our Taxes that goes towards benefits should go into an individual savings pot ready for when we need it ourselves? Not some faceless statistic to buy their flatscreen TV. 

Haven't I been having a rant? Well, what I've said may not be "Right" "PC" or "Proper", but it's my opinion and I'm throwing it out there. You may disagree or be offended, that's your choice. When you're sitting on your own for hours each day, you get to thinking about random things.

I hope you've enjoyed this, I'll step down from my soap box now and grab a coffee. Until next time...TTFN x

Be your own therapist...

Hello you little dollop of loveliness, 

It's been a while again hasn't it? Well, while you've been hanging on the edge of your seat, waiting for your next instalment, I have been doing...um....nothing really. Oh, except a little bit of crochet and a little bit of reading. 

I thought it might be an idea to give you a little pointer in the direction of working your own way through some of lifes bleaker days. I mean seriously, we don't all have time to see a therapist and we don't all want to. So where can we turn for to for guidance when all we need is a little push? 

We all have those days, weeks, even months when our everyday lives take a turn for the dark side. I don't mean to say that we're all clinically depressed or consistently sad, but there comes a time in all our lives that life just seems a little harder than usual. And, this is OK. These little wobbles are just part of the journey we're on. 

But, what if we can learn something from these wobbles? What if we can learn to find a positive amongst the pile of negatives? 

It might take a bit of practice but if you can take the time to actually explore what's really going on inside you and learn how to "check out" your thoughts, you might find that the path you're on isn't as bumpy as you thought. 

Swerve the potholes, it might make your journey longer, but it won't damage your tyres.

So, the easiest lesson I can pass on in the "Buzz Words" game. Yes, it can be treated as a game. These are the buzz words/phrases that I want you to memorize... Should, Ought, Shouldn't, Should've, Must, Mustn't I had better...I'm sure you can think of your own to add in here. 

Every time you say, write or think one of these buzz words/phrases, check out what you're saying and why. Try to think, of the Dr Pepper saying, "What's the worst the can happen?" And I'm talking about the everyday, mundane uses of the words. Of course, there are certain boundaries that we all have to abide by, laws and work policies etc, boundaries can be a good thing and keep us on the straight and narrow. But really, do we need to create more and more boundaries for ourselves so that eventually we're so controlled by them, that we lose who we really are. 

Phrases like "I shouldn't feel like this", "I should have done that", "I shouldn't eat that" or "I should go on a diet" are all to common and only act to make us feel worse about the situation. Who is dictating your life and what is your measuring stick? Does someone else make your decisions or do you make the decisions based on what someone else wants? Do you measure your life based on other peoples or what someone else expects of you? What would truly make you happy?

This is your life, live it your way.

Why should you or shouldn't you? Are you using these words to blame yourself or to point the finger, judge or dictate to someone? I personally don't think we really have a need for these words in our lives. What if we treated these words as the ultimate swear words? Eradicate them from our lives. 

Just thinking about your thoughts and what you say, can have quite a profound effect on you. Really learn to check yourself out. If every time you had a negative thought, you considered it from every angle and find what you can learn from it, you might find that the thought gets smaller and smaller. 

Many people believe that making others happy, is what makes them happy. Fine. But does it really? I believe that we all need to be selfish sometimes. If you are so wrapped up in living for other people, who is going to take care of you? It doesn't hurt anyone for you to be self-indulgent once in a while. Say no, when someone asks you to do something. Going back to a previous blog I wrote, I don't believe that any one of us has the power to make any one else happy or unhappy, it's up to ourselves to decide that what we want. 

How about if today you choose to be happy. Make that decision, right now. That nothing or no-one is going to get in the way of your happiness. Firstly, you'll learn to see things from a new angle. And secondly, happiness can be contagious. If someone asks what you're happy about, just say "Today, I chose to smile". They might not get it at first, but it'll sink in. 

You are alive. And if you have somewhere to live and know that you will eat tonight, then you are already better off than half of the worlds population. There are miracles and blessings all around you, if you look you will see. 

My, haven't I rambled today? Please tell me if I don't make any sense. I tend to just write whatever's in my head, and sometimes that's a messy place to be!

Have a wonderful day and choose happy!!

Rhymes from my mind..

Good morning and welcome to the start of a whole new week, I hope your Monday has started off trouble free and your week continues peacefully.

Something a little bit different for you today, only my very closest friends and family have heard my poetry, but today, I open it up to the world. 

Now I know I'll never be a Burns or a Betjeman but I do enjoy writing a little rhyming verse or two every now and then. This first one probably won't go down as the happiest thing I've ever written, but it meant something to me at the time and poetry, for me, is all about touching the emotions, thoughts or feelings and interpreting it to be something personal and unique to each reader. 

So, with that in mind, I won't tell you my story behind it, I don't want to blur your own experiences with mine. 

Here we go...enjoy...

Where are you now? 

Are you near or far? 

What can you see? 

A bright light or the stars? 

Or is it all black 

and a little bit scary?

 Have you travelled far? 

Are you feeling wary?

I hope that you can't see 

the tears in our eyes, 

or how we crumple 

as we say our goodbyes. 

I hope you have memories 

and know we care, 

all we have are the photos 

of the good times we shared. 

We'll think of you often, 

you'll visit our dreams, 

when we see a white feather, 

we'll know what it means.

Love knows no boundaries, 

I've heard people say,  

and although we can't see you, 

you've not gone away.

We'll all raise a glass, 

say three cheers for you, 

you gave us so much 

it's the least we can do. 

And you will live on 

in our hearts and our minds, 

your soul lasts forever, 

but your body has died. 

Your time came, 

and you had to go, 

just remember we love you 

much more than you know.

So, there you go. My first "published" poem, set free into the world. 

The next one, I hope, is a little happier. You will notice that almost all of my poems take the same format and I like to make them rhyme. I just don't get poetry that doesn't rhyme, maybe because I'm not a literary genius, it just sounds wrong in my head. I'd personally call it a paragraph rather than a poem. 

Maybe one day I'll do a bit of research and try to understand it, but for now I'm happy being naive to true poetry while I write my ramblings.... Here we go then with the next one...

As you're walking down the aisle, 

With your daddy who's so proud, 

And everyone who loves you, 

Is watching from the crowd.

You will be oblivious 

To the love that's in your eyes, 

As all your concentration 

Is on one very special guy. 

He sees in you all that you are 

And all that you can be, 

He's known right from the very start, 

"Yes, she's the one for me!" 

It took some contemplating, 

A few years if you will, 

But as you stand here at the altar, 

All that time's stood still. 

Then your daddy looks into your eyes, 

And hands your hand to his, 

For now it's time to become a wife 

And to make your promises. 

Then quick as a flash and just like that, 

You've become his Mrs Right!

You both turn to the crowd and,

Oh, what a happy sight! 

To see the love that you two share, 

Is a perfect joy beyond compare. 

A love everlasting, a love so strong, 
In each others arms is where you belong. 

So it would seem that I can do happy and sad, aren't I flexible? 

I'm going to sign off now and let you carry on with your day. 

Have a happy week, you wonderful person!

Rollercoasters of the emotional kind

So, you regular readers will have noticed that it's been a little while since my last post. Many reasons for that, which I won't bore you with, just had lots to occupy my little piece of insanity. 

I know that this conversation's been exhausted already by everyone you know, but I'm British so I'll jump on that little bandwagon and say, "WTF has happened with our weather?" I know it's summer, but you gotta admit, it's a little bit freaky. I actually feel like human sweat bucket...what a lovely image for you to carry around. My life mostly consists of sitting on the sofa with the fan pointed straight at me while I crochet quietly, while everyone around me gets a little more concerned at how addicted I am to making these pretty little squares. I might refer to them as squares of happiness, as they seem to be the primary source of joy for me lately. I have progressed now and have managed to make a very wonky but oh so cute basket. Who doesn't need a crazy little basket in their lives to stash everything that doesn't already have a home. 

This week my wonderful friend, KMW, proved her worth in way that only my Mum has had the pleasure of so far in my 29yrs. Yep, she had the pleasure/misfortune of holding my hair back while my body experienced a volatile reaction to some medicine at the hospital. If hadn't felt so poorly, I would've felt quite proud of the range and floor coverage I managed. (If you're switched on and alert you will realise that I'm creating another pretty picture in your mind. Enjoy thinking about that!) So, thank you, KMW, you really are the best and I love you. 

So, events over the past couple of weeks have sent my thoughts into a downward and rather morbid cycle. I don't seem to be able to find an answer for myself so please let me know if you come across an option for me...Now, I am not planning on departing this wonderful little Earth any time soon, in fact I estimate that we have at least 65 years to come up with an answer, so take your time. However, who knows what's round the corner, so I've been thinking about my funeral. I know, I'm a little tapped in the head, but if they don't get it right and I'm forced to haunt them for eternity instead of making my way through the next life, I'm gonna be a bit peed off. So, I've always known that I don't want to be cremated, I don't like burning myself a little bit on the oven, so the thought of being completely engulfed in flames makes my head do crazy little backflips. So then, would I want to be buried, well yes, I don't mind being worm food. But then, where do people get buried? In church yards. Now, firstly, I don't do all that God stuff. I don't want a church service and someone in a robe and dog collar spouting what they believe from the Bible, while I lay in my box thinking "Get this over with." And I don't want a load of flowers either, they're so expensive, then they die and look all sad. 

No, what I would like is an afternoon tea party on the beach (preferably not Hunstanton please, somewhere pretty). I want pink and green bunting, lots of cake and coffee (or tea for you crazies who don't like to smacked in the face with a fresh dose of caffeine) and an ice cream van with Feasts. I'm not gonna be noble and say "Don't cry for me", no way, cry. Cry your little hearts out, but only for that day. After that you can carry on with your lives as if I never existed. Because, (and this is where the fun starts), I will be laying at the bottom of the sea to be fish food after being thrown overboard. Lovely jubbly. 

After that, my merry little soul will be reborn again, because there ain't no way I'll have reached the heights of my spiritual awakening in this life. Nope, if I get to choose, I'd like to be be born as a little monk man in Tibet or a cat. Both have quite nice lives and I will be a happy little mind. 

Is my little plan allowed though? I'm sure there gonna be some law that prevents my afternoon tea party and final swim in the ocean. If so, please fight my corner. 

So, you have probably decided that it's almost time to call those men in white coats to come and pick me up, take me to a nice little padded room where I can slowly rock with only my crazy little thoughts for company. No thanks though, I'm not quite ready for that either. 

I do think that I'm a little bit like Pinocchio though. Just like he had his good conscience and bad one, I think my mind is divided into to little characters, lets call them Edna and Enid for fun. You'll get to see why these two little monkeys play such a massive part in the drama of my thoughts if you keep reading.

Along with my morbid thoughts, I decided it was time to address the issue of my religion. For many years now I've believed that I have no religion. And that made me sad. I mean, look at those people who go to church every Sunday. They're so happy and they have such lovely lives.(Slight touch of stereotyping there!) I wish I could be more like them though. Enid admires these people, she wishes she could have such faith in something that promises eternal life and some really cool guy who turned water to wine and basically was pretty awesome. Edna however, feels that it's all a bit silly. She's the one who shudders at the church door and says "Are you for real, you crazy, crazy man" when a vicar talks. 

Edna is like my voice of reason, she brings me back down to Earth with a thump and slaps me around a bit when I let Enid take the reigns for a while. I like Enid, she's fun and lets me go a bit wild occasionally but I need Edna in my life too, as she keeps me grounded and safe. Alright, so you think I'm a few screws loose, that fine, you might be right and I don't really care. 

So, neither Edna nor Enid actually believe in any of what the CofE/Catholic/Christian stuff has to say but none of us are happy with having no religion. I think it's quite important to have some beliefs to give us hope. 

I set out on a little quest to find what category I feel most happy to fit into. I must say that there's a little slice of each of the main religions that make sense or at least I'd like to believe in. However, my lack of faith in having a "higher power" looking over us means I'm somewhat limited. The one that really struck a chord with me though was Buddhism. Now, I don't know if it's allowed to research religions and decide to sign up to the one that makes sense. I mean, who gets to say what we can and can't do. Like, with Football Teams you tend to just always follow the same team from as far back as you remember, if you switch teams because someone else is doing better, they call you a glory supporter. Is that the same with religion?

I don't know. All I do know is that there is a lot of sense spoken by those Tibetan Monks and the Dalai Lama. So, now what? Am I supposed to meditate under a tree or something? Well, I've never meditated in my life and I doubt there's much chance of me starting to now. Have I got to go somewhere to be accepted into the Buddhist community or attend classes to learn more about it and myself? I really have no idea. I'm happy to carry on with my little life and know that there are other people who have similar beliefs and values to me. 

But, what happens if I have to fill out one of those Equality or Equal Opportunities forms. Am I allowed to tick the box for "Buddhist" or am I a fake, a wannabe, because I don't meditate under trees or wear orange robes. 

These are the things that actually dare to bother my thoughts. 

I'm gonna sign off now, I think I've rambled enough and I've got some more wonky baskets to make. Have a happy day :-)

Things that make me go, grrrrrrrrrr

Hello Cherubs, 

So I thought it's time to be a grump, well not really a grump so much, just gonna tell you about the things that wind me up.

Yes, yes, I know. If you've read what I had to say on Tuesday, I do still stand by what I said. I fully accept that I allow really mundane, everyday tings to wind me up. Why? I dunno, makes life more interesting. My mind would be a boring place to be if I only ever thought about rainbows and butterflies. A little bit of tame anger spices things up a bit.

Right then, my top ten Pet Hates (why do we call them Pet Hates?...it's not like I hate my pets. Answers on a postcard please.)

10) Invasions of my personal space - Now, compared to a lot of people I know, I think I'm quite a tactile person. I like hugs, holding the hubbies hand, a little knee rub to show support etc. What I object to is strangers getting too close to me, like in a queue or whatever. Also, I hate anyone standing behind me or looking over my shoulder. Yep, I can feel my blood pressure increasing steadily. Also, if I'm hot then I'm generally bothered too, so anyone's body heat is unwelcome - just stand back or you'll hear me growl.

9) Spoilers - Why do people like to tell you what they've read or heard happens in next weeks Hollyoaks or that film I haven't seen yet? All those people who read the magazines with spoilers in, why can't you just keep it to yourself. Also, I know they've got to attract an audience, but adverts for the upcoming shows do my head in. In fact, if I just watched the adverts, I wouldn't need to watch the programmes so a lot of time is saved. Hm, nah, then I'd have to get a life and I quite like being a saddo soap addict.

8) Same words / different meanings - I don't even know why I let this get to me. I know it's silly and I accept that we all have different abilities when it comes to the English language - it's a minefield. I don't know what gets to me more, the fact that we have so many words that are the same or similar with different meanings or when people don't get them right. You know the ones; There, Their & They're, To & Too. When people say "I wouldn't of minded" instead of "I wouldn't have minded". This is really shallow of me and I know I might offend some people with this. But, this is my truth.

7) Closed minded people - Yep, people who express an opinion without considering the views of others. If you open your mind to at least respect what others have to say you might just learn something - if not about the subject or yourself then certainly about the person. Some people are so transfixed on their own opinions and believing they're right that they disregard everything but. I believe this is so self-centred and small minded. Please, if you are one of these people, just try seeing things from another angle - you might be surprised.

6) Telling people how to live their lives - I know, we all have opinions on how others live their lives and I'm probably the worst person for having an opinion, but really, how much do we know about them and their situation? Even those we close to have secrets and privacy. We might not always understand why people do things or live the way they do, but that's their choice. I don't know anyone who has a perfect life with a right to comment on anyone elses. I'm gonna try a bit harder to to stick with this myself - feel free to point it out if I fall off the wagon in your company.

5) Shouting in public - Especially at children. In my hometown, going through the town centre, all you seem to hear is Mum's screaming at their children, usually swearing at them and general young people shouting at each other, usually obscene things. Now, I'll not lie to you, my sweet reader, I can turn the air blue with some of the things I say, I'm not against swearing in general, but why feel the need to shout it in public? It's not right when there's children around for them to hear.

4) Piercings - I mean seriously. Not only do I not like the look of them, I just don't see the point. Ear's I can just about understand, unless you have those big gaping holes with silly things poked through, why would you do it? Anything on the face, urgh. I think it looks so cheap and nasty. Body piercings, why? It doesn't look nice, it can get infected and the thought of getting in caught on clothing etc just turns my stomach. Bleugh. Then those random piercings in weird places, like the bit that connects your top lip to your gum - eugh. Don't you get food stuck in it? We saw a girl the other day with a piercing in that bit of skin between your thumb and forefinger - gross!! Another girl had a jewel sticking out of her skin just above her cleavage. What's wrong with these people? Making random holes in your skin that have no need to be there. I also have this strange childhood fear that if there's any holes in your skin, then your skin can unravel and expose all your insides. The rational side of me says that's stupid, but there's still that part of me that thinks "It could happen".

3) Tattoos - Just like with piercings - what is the point? One day your skin will be old and baggy and wrinkled and shrivelled and you'll look daft. I do have levels of dislike too. Little, black tattoos where they can't be seen daily are okay. Large or coloured pictures or patterns - no. It's so permanent, there aren't many things in this life that can't be undone. Why would you want to stain your beautiful skin with ink? I'm sure that there will come a day when you regret it. And then there's the symbols, names, initials, dates etc. So cringey. We're going to love and lose many people throughout our life - we don't need permanent reminders of them when they meant so much. We carry them with us in our hearts and memories - displaying them says to me - "Look, I've lost someone, feel sad for me". I'll probably get a load of hate for saying this. Chill out, it's just my opinion. I think tattoos look cheap, I don't see the point and I think you'll regret it. If you wanna comment, go ahead. If you want to try to change my mind, go ahead, but you need a good argument to do so.

2) Peas - Yes, these little blighters come near to the top of my list. I know it's irrational but they wind me up. They hide under other things on your plate and they roll around your plate and they fall off your fork. I have checked this out with myself and come to the conclusion that it's a control issue - I dunno though, I don't have a problem with other things I can't control. If they're in rice or something that keeps them still, that's fine but just rolling around or floating in gravy is too much to take. My darling, long suffering, husband has even learned to pop my peas in a little ramekin on the side of my plate, bless him. I love that man, muchness. What i don't love however, is when we're out and he either hides a pea or pretends to hide a pea on my plate - it drives me crazy. And he'll do stupid things to wind me up like swizzle his peas all around his plate. Only in public though, to make me look crazy. (Or, even more crazy I should say!)

1) Lies / Liars - I don't know what winds me up more, the actual lie itself, the fact that someone felt the need to be dishonest to me or that they think I'm stupid enough to believe what they say. Especially the silly, petty lie that there's no need for. If you can't be honest, keep quiet. I tend not to respond to blatant lies, just go along with them and think "You idiot!"

So, that's me and my grumblings. I will say again, these are only my opinions and although I believe in what I say, it doesn't make me right. 

I'm sure there are many other things that get to me and I'm sure I'll write about them another day, but for now I'm signing off to do some more crochet before watching Hollyoaks. 

Thanks for reading :-)